The Universe doesn't need us to sacrifice ourselves on the altar of our desire to help others. If we deplete ourselves of mental, emotional or physical resources to be of service, then we're not actually helping. We're putting ourselves into a position of eventually needing to be helped in return, and maybe even more than we gave. I know of so many people (including myself) who have made themselves sick because they were giving too much of themselves to an organization, person, or project.

This would happen to my significant other when he donated blood at the Red Cross. He has a somewhat rare blood type, so he would go in as frequently as allowed. But after doing this for close to a year, he noticed that he caught a cold after every donation. When he lengthened the times between his visits, he didn't get ill.

Most of us feel bad for the disenfranchised, those who have less than we do, or who are going through a difficult time. Unfortunately, many of us have accepted the message that we have to give them a substantial amount of our precious resources, not just share some with them. A friend of mine opened her home to a friend and her family who had lost their job and residence. The woman's family stayed with my friend several times over the years, spending increasing amounts of time and not contributing anything to their support. The last time, after several months of broken promises, my friend finally asked them to leave. She wanted to help, but almost bankrupted herself in the process.

Oddly enough, the attitude that the less fortunate don't have the same power and resources we do, to accept all the good that is theirs, keeps them right where they are. The people we want to help have the same access to Universal good that we do. And when our helping ends up costing us too much in time, money, and well being, it's not benefiting anyone. We're actually operating from a belief in lack. There's an old saying, "Give a man a fish, and he eats today. Teach a man to fish, and he eats forever."

There are times when we will need to give beyond what is reasonable, or when there is a greater good to be considered. Consciously choosing that is fine, as long as there is a higher purpose and there's some limit on it. For if we continue to give without an end in sight, then we can exhaust ourselves and become part of the problem. Self-denial isn't a requirement to be of service.

Generally, there needs to be a reasonable exchange in the relationship, whether it's money, a sense of satisfaction, or appreciation. If we start feeling resentful, depleted, or out of balance, it's time to realize that we're no longer giving from a higher intention of love and joy. The situation is no longer working for us, in any spiritual sense. When the person, place or organization we're offering our helping hand to begins to pull us down, then we need to disengage and reconsider the situation.

If this sounds selfish, realize that everyone needs a sense of healthy self-interest. This isn't the same as being self-centered and expecting the world to revolve around our desires. Enlightened self-regard means we're addressing our own welfare. And if we don't attend to our well being, it's unlikely that anyone else will. There may be people who try to manipulate us into continuing to give. In that case, consider who is actually selfish. The one who's demanding service, no matter what the cost to the giver, or the one who is saying "No" because it's harming them.

By not giving of ourselves, we're not withholding good from anyone. In stepping back, we teach others that we have confidence in their resources and ability to deal with their challenges. We're giving them the opportunity of finding assistance through another means. Learning to value ourselves also helps others to model self-worth.

Answer: Consider how long you've been doing what you're doing, or how long you've been thinking that way. Realize you're probably getting some benefits or perks from continuing the old pattern. Although you want to change, how much time and effort are you putting into thinking about it, and/or doing something about it?

Change doesn't just happen. Even sudden, seemingly unexpected improvements have had a foundation created for them. It's like turning a car around in a restricted area. You have to "back and fill" to be able to go in the opposite direction, or else the car will get stuck. You've been on a path going one direction, and now you want to change it. It takes time, energy, and attention to convince your subconscious that the new route safe and attractive. The more of each of these you provide, the faster the change will be.

This book was originally published thirty years ago. Although it has been around a long time, the information and advice in it is as fresh and helpful as it was back then. Written in a question-and-answer format, the two psychoanalysts (who are married to each other) explain what is necessary for us to love and accept ourselves.

I read this book in my early twenties, and it improved the way I thought about myself and my world. We tend to be a friend to everyone but ourselves. Instead, we treat ourselves as we might an enemy. The authors explain the ideas we need to entertain to be happier and healthier human beings. For when we treat ourselves with the same appreciation, empathy and compassion that we give to our friends, our lives transform.