Each of these stages must be dealt with, or we'll never completely heal. We may not go through them in order. Some people bounce around them like a pinball, or even go through a particular stage more than once. But all of the stages must be acknowledged before we can finish mourning what was and accept the current reality.

Denial

This is usually the first stage, when we're in shock, and cannot believe that the loss has occurred. With a sudden death, our minds simply can't comprehend the finality and shift in our lives. For months, after my father died from a heart attack, I would still expect him to walk in the front door from work. In other types of loss, we can also be in shock, or feel numb, trying to process what has just happened. I've heard many people say they feel like they're in a bad dream, and everything will be fine when they wake up.

If we need to change a life pattern, such as eating, cigarettes or some other habit, there might have been an ultimatum to alter our habit. In denial, we'll try to tell ourselves that nothing bad will happen to us. Eventually, either through our own understanding or having a crisis, we realize must make the change.

Bargaining

This stage is shorter for those who have experienced a death, because the death is final and hard to dismiss. Usually, a person will try to change the past. "What if's..." are contemplated. "What if ... we'd caught it sooner, they'd turned left instead of right, we'd gotten to him sooner," etc.

In other situations, we could hope for a reprieve, such as a boss or partner reconsidering their decision. We try to convince them we'll do things differently or be a better person. In dealing with habits, we might think we can continue with it for a while longer. Smokers have said, "I'll smoke just one a day," or "I'll quit now and start again when I'm 70 years old."

Anger

This is the stage that most people try to avoid. Many years ago, at a support group on grieving, a minister vehemently stated that we had to transform any anger because anger wasn't spiritual.

When my grandfather died, and my mother would mention some of his faults, people would say, "Don't say that. Don't speak ill of the dead." It's uncomfortable to feel angry with the person who has just died. Usually, they didn't deliberately leave, however we still feel abandoned.

The day after my Mr. Fix-it father died our washing machine drain stopped up and overflowed. I stood in our pantry and yelled at him for copping out so he didn't have to deal with the problem. A friend came out, trying to shush me, "Don't let your Mother hear you." My mom was right behind the friend, heard me and said "Darn right. He copped out." She recognized irrational anger as a normal process of dealing with the loss.

In all circumstances, we could be angry that we've been forced into the situation of having change thrust upon us. We have no control over the situation, and have to deal with the consequences. Anger either gets acknowledged or it gets turned inwards and we feel guilty for being angry. As long as we feel guilty or refuse to acknowledge our anger, we'll be stuck in this stage.

Depression

We move into this area when the reality of the situation begins to descend upon us. We can't change it, we just have to deal with it. This is when we really begin to mourn what we've lost, and wonder how we're going to handle going on without it. Feeling listless, not wanting to do anything and outbursts of tears are normal and expected. Sadness becomes a companion in this stage, and we may just want to isolate ourselves.

When I broke up with a boyfriend some years ago, I just wanted to crawl into bed, pull up the covers and let the world go by. I felt immobilized and couldn't get myself out of the mood. I forced myself to take a walk, and within thirty minutes felt the blanket of sadness lift enough for me to realize there was a light of hope in the distance.

If you feel like you want to take some drastic action to end the sadness, please get professional help. From experience, I can tell you that this stage will eventually pass.

Acceptance

When we finally can grasp the change, and live with it, we have reached this stage. We now realize that our lives can go on, and that we haven't been completely destroyed. At this time, we begin to integrate the new attitudes, understandings, and insights that have been forming during our process. We've come through the "dark night" and have arrived at the dawn.

Answer: There are many complex issues about relationships. We get into relationships to be shown a mirror of ourselves and our unresolved conflicts. If we're not treating ourselves well, then our partner probably won't. They way that opposites attract, and that's true many times. When we've abandoned parts of ourselves, we attract those parts in our partners. A woman who loves to be a homemaker may attract a successful man. An analytical person will attract someone very intuitive. If one person is always late, they may attract someone who is always early. The issue is the same - time - but they act on it differently.

And you can look at the challenges in a relationship as if they are metaphors, as well as with anything else, because you are half of the dynamics of it. Don't focus on the particulars, but become more objective to perceive the broader picture and bigger issue. For instance, I once had a boyfriend who didn't call me when he said he would. Although the issue might have been perceived as his not following through on his promises, after the relationship was over, I could see that it was actually a lack of communication. He didn't tell me details about himself that I needed to know to make informed choices about the relationship.

This is one of the true classics in mind power literature. I resisted reading this book for many years, and when I finally did, was blown away by the wisdom in it. The author gives succinct, practical advice on how to deal with many of our daily problems, from self-worth to releasing worry.

Well versed in the concept of the subconscious mind, Dr. Peale explains how to use prayer, affirmations and visualization for best effect. Drawing on the Bible for much of his teaching, he uses Bible verses for affirmations and constructive thinking.

Although this book was written by a Christian minister, it is useful to all philosophies because its principles go beyond religious barriers. Filled with stories and examples, this book is enjoyable to read and will fill the reader with inspiration, confidence and faith.