I had an image of myself as generous and kind, and if I said "No" or refused to give of what I had, then I felt I was selfish, greedy, or hurting the other person and that others' would think the same of me. I've discovered that none of my fears had any basis in truth. It took me many years to learn to stand up for myself, so I wouldn't be steamrolled by people who sensed my concern.

When a person has a generous, compassionate, kind, or gentle nature, then many times they'll attract people who will try to take advantage of them. If they're a people pleaser, as I was, then they'll do what they can to please the person trying to intimidate them. Originally, they'll do it out of their natural sense of goodwill. Later on, they'll do it to avoid unpleasantness.

Unfortunately, their greatest strength has just become their greatest weakness. If the steamroller doesn't care about anything except what they want, then they'll take what they can get, and demand more. Remember the old saying "Give them an inch, and they'll take a mile?" The intimidator has just found someone who'll let them get away with just about anything to avoid confrontation, and they'll take full advantage of that.

They'll use the person's best quality against them. I had people who claimed I was selfish when I'd given them all but my last dime. How dare I keep that dime from them, they'd ask. I didn't want to be perceived as selfish, so I gave up the last ten cents. And if I tried to reason with them, they'd find a way to argue around me. Later I learned that "You can't deal rationally with an irrational person." I might approach the situation analytically, but they weren't. They just wanted to get their way.

We can meet this person in any area of our lives. They might be a parent, a friend, a lover, a boss, co-worker, or person in the store who forces their way in front of us in line. They'll test us, to see what they can get away with, and if we don't show a strong front, they'll keep pushing. We attract them to help us become stronger and to put our best qualities into perspective.

If giving becomes a way of keeping the peace, then it's not a characteristic of generosity. It transforms into a way to throw food to the lions, just to keep us safe. This also then gives intimidators permission and encouragement to continue their activities, with us and with others. By giving in, we're telling them that what they're doing will succeed, which gives them a strong incentive to keep doing it.

I'm finally learning to recognize when I'm being steamrolled. Whenever I say, "Stop it," and the person doesn't stop, or when a person tries to use my qualities against me, then I mentally take a step back, and review what's going on. I realize that they're doing what they're doing because they've succeeded at it in the past, and don't know of any other way. Then, no matter how it might be perceived, I take a stand.

The first time I stood up to a steamroller, I was in a meeting of an organization. A new member was adamantly insisting that we buy advertising the rest of us knew wouldn't be successful. No one was saying much, so I stepped out on the limb to tell the person, "No. It won't work." I expected the other people in the organization to reject me for doing so. To my great surprise, afterwards half of them came up to thank me. Not only that, but the new member came to respect me.

Answer: I could be facetious and honest if I said "It takes as long as it takes." But that wouldn't be very helpful. Actually, there are a lot of factors that go into how long it takes. How badly do you want to make the change? Do you keep your mind focused on the change, knowing that it's possible? Do you flood your mind with affirmations and statements of the change? Do you take actions that ground the change? For example, if it would be for smoking, do you cut down, change the places you smoke, etc? For self- esteem, do you treat yourself well, do things that build your feelings of self-worth?

The subconscious will only release its old patterns when it realizes that you don't need or want them anymore. Your conscious mind must convince your subconscious through the conscious mind's focus and commitment. And the length of time it takes is in direct proportion to the amount of energy you use for the change. It could be overnight, or it could take years of small changes in that direction.

However, in general, any idea, thought, or belief that your conscious mind stays completely focused on for a month becomes a part of you by becoming part of your subconscious belief patterns.

This book is incredible! I've already recommended it to several of my clients. Full of information, humor, and specific techniques of what to do, it's essential for anyone who is dealing with a controlling person who comes across as a bully. It inspired this month's newsletter article. I don't usually like labeling people, but this book addresses more a type of behavior. When a person pushes, takes advantage, and tries to control by intimidation, then they are acting like a bully and need to be responded to as such.

Each chapter is divided into short segments, which makes it much easier to read and absorb. At the end of each chapter, there's a worksheet to decide how to handle a situation that is similar to the focus of that chapter, and questions to think over. There's also a summary of the chapter that describes the harmful beliefs a person might have in a difficult situation, as well as the corresponding positive behaviors.

This book validated much of what I've come to realize over the years. There are sections on why a bully is the way he/she is, how they manipulate to get their way, what kind of idealistic ideas we might have had that encouraged them, how to stop people-pleasing, how to set and keep boundaries, and much, much more. It even has a chapter on what to tell children who are dealing with bullies at school.